Running has been a major struggle for a while. Difficult, disheartening and my times have been down right dreadful. I have struggled and lacked even the slightest motivation. I had no physical injury (Well a tight hamstring but I’ve run though that for a while and that’s in recovery). What was stopping me? Apparently my injury which was causing me so much trouble wasn’t a physical one.
Running has always helped me cope with life, when frustrated I love a run to help me mull over the issue, it’s a way to decompress after a long day at work or even to get rid of excess energy after a good day. When my husband was posted in Wales and I was in Dorset it was a way to keep myself busy. When I went to see him in Wales it was a way to take in the beautiful country side. In short running has always helped me deal with negativity and is something I love to get out and do.
But apparently there are somethings that you just can’t run though.
My nanny passed away recently. And we have had a string of difficult events. While my nan was poorly I often didn’t feel like running and after she passed I found it physically difficult- bordering on impossible at times and my motivation just wasn’t there.
When I did go out my motivation just didn’t exist and I was pretty much a failure; I was really cross with myself.
After the funeral I tried again; but it was just physically painful to run and I had 0 motivation to run far. My body felt heavy. I often ended up walking the rest of the route after doing what I felt I ‘had’ to do. I missed my nan, and still do, but at the time the feeling of grief was so raw it just seemed to fill my body with lead. Moving hurt, thinking hurt. Two things I typically do on my run.
A weekly Curcit class at work got me moving and I loved the feeling of physical exhaustion after but when I tried to apply that to running I had 0 luck. I think having people there motivated me to look like I was functioning much better than I was. I would have done very little if I didn’t have the dog to walk at least twice a day.
As I suppose it always goes; eventually I started to feel better. And although we have had abit of a tough few months nothing compared to loosing my nanny. Slowly the feeling of lead started dropping away. As I started to feel better within myself I started to do better; building up my kilometres, feeling better during the run itself and over all feeling more confident.
For me the emotional pain was very much like a physical injury stopping me and holding me back. As much as I still feel the loss of my nan I feel lighter and more able now.
Ive got a 10km run next month and I feel really relaxed – I know I can run 6 miles easily and I’ll be back up to 6 miles plus in no time. As the intensity of my sadness loosened my running felt more natural and less force. I suppose when I don’t even want to get out of bed asking my body to push itself for a few miles was just too much. As getting up and out of bed got easier so did going for a run.
I’ve had some good runs, if alittle slow. But mostly I’ve enjoyed it. Felt like myself. Felt that feeling; like you’re so happy you’re flying as You run – much better!